When we evaluate ourselves we tend to cut ourselves alot of slack because we know intimately “all the reasons and justifications” for various actions we have taken, or beliefs we hold.  We truly have all the information necessary to make a reasonable assessment of ourselves.  But even equipped with this comprehensive knowledge, our judgment is still extremely biased because we don’t want to view ourselves as bad or less than adequate.  If we did, our lives would be filled with misery and unhappiness because we would feel like failures. 

The key to successful self evaulation is to look ourselves with honest introspection, putting our faults and inadequacies under the microscope, through the prism of the atonement and our Savior.  We through Him are made whole.  Understanding that we are less than perfect for a reason helps us see our inadequacies as opportunities for growth.  Knowing we are not consigned to a life of  misery due to our shortcomings gives us hope that we can rise above and become a better person. 

So how do people view me, and why does it even matter how they view me. They don’t have all of the information needed to make a truly worthwhile assessment, so why does it matter.

In addition, it is important to remember “The Secret” that positive energy attracts positive things in our life and negative energy attracts negative things in our life. Rather than say “I want to lose weight” implying that I am fat and overweight is a negative. If I focus on efforts on activities and eating habits that provide energy, health, motivation and inspiration, then I will attract those types of things in to my life.

When we get depressed, we focus on the negative and the key to getting out and truly changing our brain chemistry to is replace those negative thoughts with positive, proactive activities, no matter how unnatural they feel at the time. Medication can help bridge the large gap that exists when severe chemically induced depression sets in – but it can not erase the gap.

On days when I don’t say my prayers or read and study – I find out exactly how nothing I really am.  More important, I realize that although life is challenging when He is there – it would be unbearable if He were not there.  He answers my prayers everyday.  He guides and directs my words, actions and efforts to accomplish whatever it is He deems I need to accomplish in my life.  Sometimes I need to be humbled, sometimes he lifts me up.  Mostly He just keeps me going with small miracles everyday that remind me why I need to stay close to Him. 

For example, the other day Orey came home discouraged and ready to quit lacrosse.  He is not used to being the one on the bench at the bottom of the pile.  But he needs to learn how to stick with things when they are tough, work toward accomplishing goals.  It did not appear he would see any playing time this year.  He did not play in the game against PVI.  He did not want to play Westfield.  But he did – and to our surprise, he played the majority of the third quarter and did pretty well. They did not score while he played defense.  And it was a close game so it wasn’t like a “charity” position.  The game was tied.  It was enough to keep him going – keep trying and hanging in there – and that is all I prayed for .

I pray that Sami will come to realize that her lifestyle is not conducive to even temporary happiness and He is answering my prayers. Not making life impossible – but certainly stressful. 

I pray that Cherstin and Marin will learn what they need to from this relationship – and they do…challenging as it may be.

And Greg – he needs to find someone who loves him – but I think the Lord is waiting for Greg to step and become worthy of someone like that – so until then – agency cannot be removed.  But I see him giving him opportunities – he just needs to step up, stay close to the Lord and take advantage of them.

I don’t want to live a day without Him.

All four of the children have presented challenges, each in their own way.  Greg was always so busy and active.  As a young child he would behave in ways that on the surface indicated that he was mean.  He would kick and hit people, but afterwards have a somewhat puzzled look on his face.  He would bite people and other children, but it was clear that this biting was an act of frustration.  One of his pre-school teachers, who was more inclined to understand his behavior, rather than condemn it said to me during one of our conferences that he had a hard time distinguishing between reality and fantasy.  Thus, he loved cartoons and would often act out what he saw – not understanding that things did not work in the real world the way they did on TV.  He was truly a TV addict and struggled when he was young to place a priority on anything other than TV.  So the TV had to go in our house. 

Cherstin was emotional and cried and cried and cried.  She was often frustrated with how things were around her and she did not like alot of noise or chaos.  Thus, parties of any sort would send her in to a crying fit.  She had little to no social skills and did not make friends easily or keep them long. 

Sami was a very easy child, extremely obedient, quiet and content.  My greatest fear with her was that she would never really develop strong character and a deep conviction for much of anything.  So although easy, it was always worrisome.

Orey was a pretty easy kid but with the onset of puberty came a whole host of defiant behavior and a desire to “live life on the fast track”. 

In raising the first three I was able to keep alot of the challenges and issues we faced in house and close to home.  As our lives became beyond stressful, it brought out the bi-polar tendency in most of us.  That has been the greatest challenge we have faced.  With the condition came the onslaught of issues, common in people with bi-polar.  They like to live life on the edge, always seeking excitement, struggle to stay focused on any one task or project, defiant behavior, financial challenges, etc.  We have had them all. 

But prior to Orey coming to Virginia, we kept them close to home.  The stigma, and mostly the fact that people really just don’t understand compels those with this condition to live the life of a recluse. 

But  a couple of years ago, while watching General Conference, I was deeply impressed to seek out help with Orey.  We could not do this one on our own.  Even though I have chosen not to share all the details of our challenges, people know we struggle.  And they have certainly rallied to our aid is so many ways.  Our prayers are answered almost daily, if not simple requests that don’t come in the form of formal prayers. 

I cannot even begin to list all the people who have stepped up to the plate and gone not just the extra mile – but the many long, hard, extra miles to make sure this kid doesn’t fail this life.  There is never a time when I haven’t reached out for help, maybe just to get him to church one Sunday, to help from teachers, coaches, church leaders and Bishops with the many struggles he seems to face on a regular basis.  They love him – and he knows it – and he responds well to their caring assistance.

From a recent BYU-Idaho devotional: “More than once prophets have said that ‘we live far below our privileges.’ If I understand this statement correctly, it means that we are not receiving revelation as we might otherwise because we are not doing or becoming what the Lord expects of us. A major reason we live far below our privileges in receiving revelation is due to our lack of reverence. There must be no doubt that to receive the delicate and quiet whisperings of the still, small voice one must be reverent.”

Boyd K. Packer also agrees with you. Quoting from his recently published book, Mine Errand from the Lord, “We live below our privileges concerning inspiration. One thing I have said more times than a few is that we live far below our privileges. Members of the Church live far below their privileges as far as inspiration is concerned.” (98–02)

http://www.ldsaliveinchrist.com/2008/11/for-what-doth-it-profit-a-man-if-a-gift-is-bestowed-upon-him-and-he-receive-not-the-gift/

We do not (I do not) need trials to live that close to the Spirit.  Certainly, they force us to our knees and encourage us to supplicate, but as I have grown and matured, I have found that hungering and thirsting for those spiritual privleges makes them happen every bit as often and sometimes with more power and meaning. 

Simple things like:

(ACTIVE) church attendance

(ACTIVE) study and prayer

Truly listening (pondering) and more importantly ACTING upon the small stirrings of the spirit brings even greater and more frequent communication.  I often pray to have the Lord with me as I perform certain tasks or speak in certain situations.  But sometimes, spontaneous situations occur when I have not had the privlege of proactively seeking out His help.  WhenI am actively living as I should, a brief thought that I need His help brings about the desired help.  Sometimes I notice that He even helps when I do not ask – simply because I was obedient. 

Most of my life has been sacrificing – giving up something – so I could have something better.  During those times I have pleaded for relief.  Instead what I got was support to make it through and learn the painful lessons that come from consequences for situations of my own making.  Even when I did not create the mess I was in – I certainly suffered during the situation and “relief” did not come. 

Just like when we exercise of lift weights – during the experience we struggle, experience pain and tire.  But once we stop and take a breath we realize the strength we have gained during that experience.  We don’t feel that strength when we are in pain – it is only after the pain that we experience the strength.  And that strength enables to move on to higher and higher challenges, ever strengthening us along the way.

When I first moved to Maryland in September of 1986 it seemed the word sacrifice kept appearing at every turn.  The trip to Maryland from Wyoming (our temporary home for the summer) was just an omen of things to come.  Because we had a baby our Subaru Brat was no longer practical.  But we did not have any money to a buy a different car.  So my sister Bobbee’s husand then, Chris Krell, sold us his grandfather’s Audi that had been garaged for many years for $500.  We gave it a general run through and proceeded to pack up our things and prepare for our three day road trip to our new home.  We didn’t have much moneyso we planned on staying in KOA’s (cabins) along the way.  We even brought a tent.  All with a 6 month old baby and no car seat. Boy we were brilliant!  Half way through Nebraska on I-80 the car just died.  Thank goodness we were close enough to the next exit to push it to a garage.  Of course they found nothing wrong and it started the next day and we continued on our journey.

We prayed.  I should say I prayed.  For the next 5 years our life would continue to a series of failed attempts, losing everything we owned and having to depend on others for our survival.  It was the point where I decided that I should go back to church and do what was right.  I was making a serious attempt to make things right in my life.

Once we arrived in Laurel, MD, they allowed us to pre-occupy the house we were going to buy, before we closed on it.  We thought that was a great blessing because we had two dogs and thought it would be difficult to rent for a month before moving in.  It was somewhat of a blessing, but also a curse, in disguise.

When we arrived our Subaru was in Houston because we could not transport it to Maryland. We would need to go down and pick it up when we had time.  We had our old Audi in the interim.  It made it to Maryland, with some issue, but would only have many more issues after that.  All our furniture was shipped to Newark, NJ and we only took to Wyoming clothes and Steve’s Apple IIE computer. So when we arrived we had nothing in the house.  No dishes, no towels or food – just come clothes, toiletries and a computer – along with a cooler. 

Shortly after moving in, our neighbors came by and recognized our situation.  They were kind and generous and let us borrow a mattress and a play pen for Greg.  We put them in the basement to sleep because it was cool down there, but after the first night – we would sleep upstairs.  In the middle of the night some crickets jumped in bed with us and I jumped out of bed. 

The night before we closed on the house a loan officer showed up on our doorstep.  He said that we would need additional cash to close on the house the next day – without it, we could not buy the house.  Ironically enough, (I believe it was all planned on their part), it was the exact amount we had left in our savings.  Money we need to get through the next couple of months because I was pregnant again, on maternity leave and had no insurance.  They did not leave us a dime for the next month’s house payment or food for a while, until Steve was able to get a job washing dishes.  He did enroll in school at the University of Maryland- Voc Rehab and Pell Grants paid for that and gave us a small amount of spending money.  We still have Social Security, which just barely covered the house payment and tithing. 

It seemed like every  time I drove the car, something went wrong.  I was driving down the beltway to Chevy Chase and it was pouring rain.  The wind shield wipers just quit working so as I got off the freeway and on to Connecticut Ave. the car started smoking terribly.  As I pulled up to a stop light people were honking at me and I just sat in the car scared, angry and frightened.  I did not know what to do.  A cab driver was nice enough to come up to my window and offer to push me to the gas station about a block away, which had a garage.  They were kind enough to look at it for no charge, but found nothing wrong and after a hour or so it started fine, no smoke and windshield wipers worked.  More than once the neighbors came to get me when the car died. 

During this time we had no money to rent a truck and get to Jersey to pick up our furniture which was stored across from the airport.  We had North American Van Lines pick it up from the airport and store it until we could get it.  We only paid them through October so we needed to get there fast.  But we had no money.  In addition, when the furniture got to EWR Continental called to tell us that they needed their container and if we did not come get the stuff right away they would just unpack it and leave it outside until we did.  NA Van Lines was suppose to have picked it up – but they didn’t so for a day or two all our belongings sat outside in the rain and were pretty much ruined. 

We had no food, our credit cards were maxed out and no way to get what was left of our furniture.  There were two sisters who lived up the road from us.  They were about 13 and 15.  They LOVED Greg and would come down to babysit him for us all the time.  I think they just liked hanging out with us also.  They realized we had no food and so often their mother would make extra to feed us.  If it were not for our neighbors, I am not sure what we would have done.

Our plight did not ease up – no matter how much more I sacrificed and focused on getting myself back on track spriritually.  I expected that because I was doing the right things that I would be “blessed”.  I thought my trials would go away and I would be “happy”.  Of course it is easier from the vantage point I am at now to see how truly blessed I really was.  The blessings of heaven were many – the earthly and worldly blessings were few.  But I learned and grew in ways that I never could have otherwise and oddly enough, though I was stressed and often times frustrated, I had a core happiness I had never experienced before.  I had children who loved me and I loved them.  Challenging though they were – they filled a huge void in my life.  They gave purpose and meaning to an otherwise empty and shallow life.  They required the greatest of all sacrifice in terms of time, money, physical health, emotional challenges, etc. but life was good and would continue to be so.  Though I get discouraged and at times don’t feel life is worth the pain that often times accompanies it – I have always felt needed and any pain I am experiencing gets set aside to provide them with their needs.  Their needs supercede mine and because of that my needs generally tend to take care of themselves and life goes on.

Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!’ …

Real faith … is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process.

I think “who” you want to be is far more important than “what” you want to be.

I began the season by praying that the we could spend time together as a family.  Things looked pretty good in that the flights were open and so Cherstin and Marin planned to come out Friday, the week before Christmas.  Sam was coming also.  Greg didn’t put us in his plans, but then Orey would go back to Utah to spend time with Greg and Cherstin. 

Cherstin and Marin’s flight got cancelled due to a mechanical and there was a huge winter storm due shortly after their scheduled trip so we knew there was no way they were coming with that cancellation.  Sami could not come as regular paying passengers were not getting through.  So that messed up those plans.  We were still holding out hope that Orey would be able to make it to Utah.  I was even able to purchase a cheap ticket, last minute.  Totally unheard of at Christmas time.  But alas, it was too good to be true.  I booked it incorrectly and when I sent the itinerary to Greg he caught my error and let me know that I had booked it from SLC to IAD rather than the other way around.  Thank goodness I got my money back because rebooking the other direction was double the price.  So those plans were shattered also.

Then Bobbee invited the missionaries to come to her house on Christmas Day.  We were delighted, even if it was just for a meal.  We love their company and thought if they brought a Christmas message it would make for a nice, spiritual Christmas atmosphere.  But alas, even though I prayed that it would happen, the mission president said no to travelling outside their area, so that fell by the wayside also. 

I had prayed that I could get to the temple at least and even that failed to materialize, despite my prayers.  Now I am used to having prayers that are not answered the way I would like or having to wait for answers so I was not distraught over all these situations.  Disappointed yes, distraught no. 

During testimony meeting today I was pondering on the situation,  all the failed attempts to get answers to so many prayers in one short period of time.  I guess I should not call them “unanswered prayers” but rather, results that I had not anticipated.  That is pretty normal for me though and I have truly come to understand that the Lord sees things that I don’t and knows me better than I know myself, so just to let go and trust.  I really didn’t expect to have a real understanding of the results because I don’t always have to see the end result to know that the Lord’s hand is at work in my life at all times, even when I can’t see it.  And I am grateful for that – more than I can express. 

After church I was talking to one of our dear friends, Doug Campbell and we were commenting on how the focus of Christmas either had changed, or should change.  We had the usual discussions on how we have gotten so far away from the true meaning of Christmas and caught up in the worldly aspect.  I know for years I have wanted to make Christmas mean a bit more and have made some meager attempts to at least implement some small gesture to help remind us of the true meaning of Christmas.  I tried putting some little empty boxes under the tree and having everyone in the family write down what their gift to Christ would/should be.  That had marginal success at best.  Last year I made little candy ornaments and each time someone did something good for someone else they got to put a candy kiss on the tree.  Once again – nice idea – no real impact.  I am sure I have tried other things in the past that fell by the wayside also. 

But in my discussions with Doug today I came to realize that to really get our focus shifted, we probably needed a real break from all Christmas tradition to really force us to stop and realize what Christmas means and how traditions have helped us to celebrate the birth of the Savior. 

Hopefully next year will be different.  And of course I could come with all kinds of ideas to change things.  But then it would be “my” Christmas.  I want to know how you think we should celebrate Christmas.  I want your ideas.  What memories to do you have that made Christmas special.  Do you have any traditions that you would like to see started or any old traditions that were meaningful to you that you would like to continue.  What about other people in your lives – what traditions are meaningful to them that we can incorporate in our families traditions so we all feel like Christmas is special. 

I am not much of a holiday person and have really dropped the ball when it comes to such things.  But when I look back at Christmas’s of my own I remember every Christmas of my youth being magical.  The whole month before there was anticipation and Christmas morning was always so magical.  I remember watching Rudolph and Frosty.  I remember having a calendar that allowed us to count down the days until Christmas.  I remember being so excited the night before and even as a teenager so anxious to wake up and open gifts.  I remember carefully displaying all my gifts on my bed.  I remember going over to see what everyone else got for Christmas and having Christmas breakfast along with Christmas dinner and of course the big family dinner.  I remember making Christmas candy to share with friends and family.  I loved making Danish pastry.  I definitely remember buying gifts for you kids when you were young and having as much fun setting things up and seeing the delight on your faces in the morning when you woke up and ripped through all your gifts.  I remember Tamara and TJ coming over to help us assemble them.  I remember Jessica giving 1/2 of her babysitting money that we had paid her to allow us to buy gifts for you guys. I remember people’s generosity to us when we struggled to make sure we had a nice Christmas and now I enjoy doing the same for others. 

So I am asking – what can we do to “rebuild” Christmas.  I enjoyed my quiet holiday. Even if I worked some, I did not have the barrage of emails and demands that are present the rest of the year.  I enjoyed not being stressed out trying to get everything done.  But I missed my family and mostly I truly missed the “magic” of Christmas.  What can we do to bring that “magic” back?